I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
