nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
