I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
