I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
