You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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