Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
