Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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