You smell like stripper and shame
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
