The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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