My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
