Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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