i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
