oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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