I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
