You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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