I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
