Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
