I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
