I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
