Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
