it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am available for nakedness
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
