A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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