There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
