BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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