i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
