You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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