My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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