her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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