Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
