Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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