U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
