I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
