Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
