Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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