mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
