stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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