i just made my gag reflex go away.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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