So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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