my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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