yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
