Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
