Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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