I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Randomize
