He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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