Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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