dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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