I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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