My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
