Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
