dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
