Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
