So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
