id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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